I didn’t know how to explain to people that I didn’t enjoy Motherhood. Not in the early days. There are moments, at around three months postnatally, that I held onto in the dark of night. Mentally exhausted by the rocky start we had, not knowing why I’d made this choice when I felt so awful and distant from myself and my partner.
I didn’t know how long I could keep telling people that I wasn’t good. I tried to tell the Community Midwife, I tried to tell the Health Visitor, I tried to tell the doctor. Not to say these professionals don’t have a place in the safe delivery of babies, but Black women’s voices are certainly not at the center of concern when being considered by those working in Allopathic care.
I feel like my instinct had already tried to prepare me for that; as I’d opted for an antenatal workshop led by Doulas. That was in addition to attending one led by the Community Midwife team in my neighborhood. If it wasn’t for my innate sense of resilience, I probably would have given up the search for help postnatally. I was fortunate enough, however, to have a private health plan through work. My career up until maternity leave, had always been to help others. Vulnerable and facing a complex myriad of barriers preventing them from metamorphosis. Now it was me lost, in a black hole of the unknown. Not understanding how to be this raw and vulnerable.
The initial shock of my birth being worlds apart from anything I hoped for; left a long and gaping wound in my heart and soul. There are so many intersections of Motherhood that nobody was kind, or honest enough to share with me.
I realised in the early days that family didn’t always equate to community. After all I had it in abundance, but life didn’t stop for them. They still had wages to make and social lives to love.
I still have moments of immense upset and anger when other women around me that were pregnant at the same time, are now on to their next beautiful creation. It just isn’t something I feel comfortable with right now, and I have to make peace with that.
“The fortune I believed I had forfeited, by not following the pre- defined life plan of the modern millennial woman, I found it elsewhere. That “value” I had equated to monetary worth, soon became tangible in a different way. Not only through material assets, but visibly in the way I carried myself and cared less about career plans.”
Somewhere in the haze of new parenthood, my partner lost his job for the first time in his working life. And with the pressure of our trauma (C- section + spending a week with Avery in hospital after he became unresponsive at home when only a few days old), he had been blindsided by bad managers at work and was “let go”.
Always one to believe in timing, circumstance and a higher power, I told him not to worry, I completely believed in him. The long and short of it is that we ended up being offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to move to Barcelona. He was headhunted, and in just a few short weeks from being interviewed and trained; he went ahead to find us a place to live whilst I packed up our life and tried to “sleep- train” a five month old.
People always respond to our tale of moving to Barcelona as if it was a fairytale, but the reality is, when we arrived I completely resented it. No friends, no network of support, a big language barrier and an even greater step away from my own dreams to help my partner pursue his.
They say that moving house, planning a wedding and having a baby are some of the most stressful events in our adult lives. Let’s just say, our wedding plans were promptly cancelled! Once the dust had settled and I made the decision to push beyond discomfort in a new country, attending as many “mum and baby” events as I could, my eyes started to open to what I would gain if I learnt to let go of the parts of my old life I was holding onto.
Against the modern backdrop of the capitalist west, I was learning to appreciate a different aspect of power and feminine achievement within it.
What began to happen was transformative – reaching every corner of my being. My mindset shifts and growth personally, were immeasurable. More surprisingly, the fortune I believed I had forfeited, by not following the pre- defined life plan of the modern millennial woman, I found it elsewhere. That “value” I had equated to monetary worth, soon became tangible in a different way. Not only through material assets, but visibly in the way I carried myself and cared less about career plans
I call it “The Great Realisation”. Now, nearly two years on, I feel limitless and also compelled to work in a way that pleases no-one other than myself and my family. Working remotely during the Coronavirus pandemic has taken away the fear of the perceived “work ethic”, so many of us know is performative, but still prescribe to in order to get ahead. Believing that we have to arrive early, finish late and make sacrifices that impact our personal wellbeing and livelihood- all in favour of an occasional thank you from a manager.
I found the courage and strength to go it alone as a freelance copywriter and content creator. Carving out my place as a social activist to shine light on, share the work of and support the voices of marginalised people. Going so far, as to embark on a Masters in Research Sociology this year. There are many changes I want to see in this world before I leave it. I have to take responsibility for working to create the world I want my son to be safe in.
If you are on the journey of Motherhood, I implore you to invest in everything you desire to support your physical, emotional and mental recovery.
Invest in placenta capsules. Politely ask for contributions towards a Doula, if people ask what you need for the baby. If you run out of batch cooking, ask those you love, or invest in the service of somebody that can fill your cup back up and nourish your soul! Create clear boundaries and identify genuine offers of support. Don’t be afraid to ask people to help you with a task before they get to ‘coo’ over the baby.
It hurts, but we have to talk about what we’re thinking and feeling in order to address the hurt and happiness in our birth stories. People that don’t want to hear your truth – they’re not your tribe. Surround yourself with people that share your frequency; welcome love and all that comes with vibrations of it. To become a Mother is one of the most powerful transformations you may ever experience. Stand in your power. Heal and be heard.
Dionne Anderson is the face and voice behind ‘Living Motherhood Creatively’ set up to amplify the voices of Mothers during their first year of Motherhood, giving them a safe space to share their journey honestly, as they navigate year one as Mum. Dionne also supports female business owners to find a brand voice that packs a punch; she offers copywriting services to brands across the globe.
Website: www.livingmotherhoodcreatively.co.uk
Instagram: www.instagram.com/livingmotherhoodcreatively
Twitter: https://twitter.com/dionnedeemama