I have suffered from mental health issues since I was in my teens.  PTSD, depression, anxiety and various other psychological (undefined) conditions that have made for a colourful adult life!

 When it came time to start a family, my partner and I had many long chats about our fears of raising children amongst the stigma of mental illness.  We decided the responsible thing to do was for me to go to therapy and work on my shit before we took the plunge.  I mean what mother doesn’t want to be the picture of health for their child?  I wanted to channel zen vibes and bring him/her into a emotionally healthy home and space. 

 So, I did the work.

 CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), Psychotherapy, journaling, lifestyle changes… I learned to be mindful, I learned how to meditate and adopted several new techniques to help me safely navigate my highs and lows.  And when we finally had our daughter Alleppey, we braced ourselves for what we expected to be a deep dark period of post-natal depression – but it never came.

Though I suffered the usual throes of early motherhood, I didn’t crack.  And even at moments when I did, I could always do so in the safety of baby Alleppey’s ignorance.  I felt confident that my wobbles weren’t affecting her, and that I would get away with being a little crazy without scarring her for life!

 Managing your mental health is an on-going task.  Your mind is like a garden, it will always need pruning, weeding, watering and nurturing.  The perfect Zen mama I’d been holding myself to, doesn’t actually exist and I was never going to be ‘fixed’.  I decided then that I would never hide my waves of emotion from my daughter again.

Now that’s not to say that I would burden her with big people problems. I will continue to protect her. But one day she may well suffer from waves of her own big emotions and what kind of example would I be setting for her if I keep on pretending I’m ok when I’m really not?

Hubby and I came together again, and spoke at length about how we would handle things going forward.  We decided to teach Alleppey about big emotions by sharing our own, and by holding space for hers.  We want to teach her how to be compassionate and patient and kind and most of all, to free me from the shame & guilt, we want to teach her that mummy is human.

I went into my motherhood journey wanting to present a fantasy to my child(ren) – that I was perfect.  But by releasing that notion and letting her see my tears, and by teaching her how meditation and big calming breaths help mummy manage anger and anxiety, I think we’ve given her the most valuable lesson of all.

Now 3 years old, if Pepe ‘catches’ me in a low wave she hugs me and says  – “It’s ok mummy, take a deep breath, I’m here.”

I’m weeks away from delivering my second child now and since becoming a mother I have made a point of seeking and taking advantage of all the free support available in my area to help me manage my mental health.  If you are pregnant and have mental health concerns be sure to speak to your doctor and your midwife at your appointments and ask for extra support. 

Resources: If you’re in the UK, the NHS have a number of supportive services. A few that have been invaluable to me during my first years as a mother have been:  

 Best Beginnings Midwifery Team  (http://oxleas.nhs.uk/site-media/cms-downloads/presentation_2.pdf) – having a one on one midwife who is consistent throughout my pregnancy. 

Perinatal Mental Health Service (https://www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/perinatal/) – offer group therapy, art therapy as well as one-on-one sessions with Psychologists who specialise in mental health in pregnancy and early motherhood.