Image of Ms Wrights Way. Photographer: Jane Beall
“…You have been tricked into avoiding motherhood. By motherhood, I don’t mean having babies, I mean teaching and nurturing Divine beings. You have been misled into thinking that teaching your child — a time consuming task — cramps your style.” – Ava Muhammad, REAL LOVE
Like many young black girls who are strong and opinionated, I too grew up around constant messaging that I was “too much.” Yet, between fighting with boys for my position on the playground or getting into trouble with authority, I knew that I wanted to be a mother someday. I wasn’t sure how I would get to that point, nor did I have many real-life examples, but the Mrs. Huxtables’ and Aunt Viv’s served the purpose and fortified my desire.
My own mother was a single parent and worked very hard outside of the home to provide financially for us and her grandchildren. I saw how much things changed when my oldest sister had a child at 17 and also how my two older cousins who took care of me a lot, both chose careers over having children at the time. Being the analytical observer that I am, I internalized these things plus other messaging to mean that having children was synonymous with big burden. And nobody wants extra burden, right? Don’t have children young or your life is over! So I spent my late teens focusing on understanding myself, working, volunteering and studying. I knew I wanted to help people, so I went after that.
Once I met my now husband though, that maternal tug began again and started to weigh heavy on my heart. We later decided to prepare to conceive our first child. I read and researched as many new mums do. I thought I had it all figured out. I had a clear idea of the mother I wanted to be and the son I wanted to birth and raise.
“I am now a mother of four and my children have saved me. Many times over. They have forced me to look at myself so intimately and so deeply that I have no other choice than to face my darkest wounds and heal them because I know these divine beings that I have been blessed to bring forth, deserve all that is good in this world and all that is good in me.”
After having my third child, I had an arduous bout of postpartum depression and I realised that this was largely a direct result of not having real support. I began to ask questions and share my struggles openly, and then realised that many mothers struggle in similar ways and have very similar needs. As I studied and learned more about motherhood, holistically and historically, I began to understand how grossly our society has gone wrong and how much better off we were as a people when we had each other to lean on, to fellowship with, to encourage and be encouraged by. So I dreamt up Mama Just Doing It™ and have devoted my time, energy and life’s work since to creating spaces and means by which mothers can come together and flourish.
Whether through my birth work as a doula, curating healing spaces and wellness events for mothers, by writing or by sharing my trials and triumphs, I truly believe it takes a village to raise a mother. I know that by making space to share with each other as we once used to, we really can heal ourselves and our children.
I am now a mother of four and my children have saved me. Many times over. They have forced me to look at myself so intimately and so deeply that I have no other choice than to face my darkest wounds and heal them because I know these divine beings that I have been blessed to bring forth, deserve all that is good in this world and all that is good in me. They deserve to be nurtured by a whole healed person.
By reframing motherhood as an opportunity for expansion, both physically and on the most intrinsic level, we inadvertently empower ourselves as divine teachers and students to lead our next generation. We imprint empowerment on the world as opposed to burden.
I simply want every mother to know this truth; that by showing up fully to the task of motherhood, by being brave enough to question whats been done before and do the work to heal, we give way to future possibilities, freedoms and eventually, a whole new world of people who will be raised on love and not just survival.
Ebboni Savory is a Canadian writer and doula who loves to write about personal growth, motherhood and all things pertaining to pregnancy, birth and beyond. Ebboni writes over on her blog Ebbo Just Doing It, and has also been published in Black Moms Blog. She is a passionate doula and works to create spaces for mothers where they can cultivate a village of support based on sisterhood, wellness and purpose. Ebboni lives in Canada with her four children.