I planned every aspect of my homebirth. Testing the birth pool, purchasing tupperware for my placenta to go in for encapsulation, lovingly selecting songs for my birth playlist, preparing my tinctures, teas and oils, and reciting my hypnobirthing affirmations every day.
On paper it all went well. I had no complications and I birthed my healthy boy under a full moon, in the water, in my spare room on Christmas Day, four years ago. I had achieved my goal and I was in love with my baby, an overwhelming love that I had never felt before. But I also felt another emotion swirling below the surface. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it. Disappointment, shame, trauma perhaps, or simply feeling shell-shocked? I put it down to the intensity of the birth and the involuntary pushing which stopped me from being able to breath my baby out like the Youtube videos I’d been obsessed with. My birth felt more primal, more emotionally challenging than I guess I had been prepared for, but still there seemed to be more lingering.
It took me many months to unpack my birth story. On one level I felt like my feelings were unjustified. I had a healthy baby. Analysing my birth in this way felt ungrateful and petty. I empathised for my friends who had had emergency C-sections and felt as though I should shut my feelings down. Ultimately though, I had to confront it. Although I’d had a non-medicated, vaginal homebirth, which was my goal, the presence of the midwife had left me feeling as though I had been coerced to consent to practices I knew I didn’t want.
When I was in labour and the midwife first came, I was delighted and relieved, but then things shifted. I remember being in the pool feeling relaxed and calm and riding the waves, when I was suddenly instructed to get out of the water, and lay on the bed to be examined. I didn’t want to but I felt as though I was in a child-like state, ready to submit to the authority figure in the room, my voice was suddenly nowhere to be found. The examination took me out of my flow and slowed things down extensively.
Months later, I realised where I recognised the underlying icky feeling from…being in relationships beyond my level of understanding as a young teenager and being coerced into doing things that I did not want to do with men who were taking advantage. This is not a criticism of the particular midwife, who largely did allow me to labour in peace. It’s a comment on the medical model of birth seeping into my home under the disguise of something much less invasive.
“Many women are left with the notion that they were saved by the system that often caused the issues in the first place.”
There cannot be true consent within an imbalance of power.
The experience helped me understand that there cannot be true consent within an imbalance of power. Many women desire homebirth without realising that the hospital model can very easily sabotage this desire. Even within the framework of homebirth, the process often centres the midwife rather than the birthing woman. There is no evidence to show that internal examinations during labour improves outcomes and yet it’s become so routine. I personally found it intrusive, painful and triggering as well as hugely unnecessary to have someone insert their fingers into my vagina whilst I was in this magical birthing realm.
I’m not sharing this to scare any Mamas-to-be. My hope is that you can use this information to help you connect with your intuition, your internal guidance system and your power. So many women are experiencing trauma at the hands of the medical system to varying degrees and we are crying out for a spiritual revolution. Connecting to our divine feminine power can truly be a matter of survival for our spirit. For me, the intervention did not sabotage my birth, it led me on a deeper journey of healing and transformation, but for so many others the cascade of interventions has much more serious implications.
I’m also aware of the privilege I occupy- that I was very well researched, articulate with fluent English, white presenting and living in a fairly affluent neighbourhood. I know other women, who do not fit into these categories have a very different experience, as statistics of maternal mortality in the UK and USA tragically show.
Many women are left with the notion that they were saved by the system that often caused the issues in the first place. For me the journey of unlearning and rewilding continues. I ’ve been inspired by the stories of women releasing their fears and birthing in their power on the Free Birth Society. I also strongly recommend finding an advocate for your labour, a person who truly understands what is important to you and is able to assert themselves on your behalf.
Ultimately there are no sacrifices, there is only love. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. I poured my journey of mamahood into my music. The birth of my son motivated me to change on a fundamental level, to seek freedom from abuse in all forms and to change toxic patterns for future generations as well as heal those who have gone before. I escaped a decade-long abusive relationship when my son was 8 months old, becoming a single mama dedicated to healing myself so my child could be free. My mental health improved significantly. Motherhood saved me on so many levels.
I’ve felt drawn to supporting other women on their own home-birthing journeys and I anticipate this will develop into something more. I also recently started hosting women’s circles as I believe in our innate power to heal in community. Wherever you are on your journey, I’m sending you love. I see you and I believe in you.
Aruba Red is an alternative soul artist and Mama creating music inspired by the themes of healing and transformation. She’s a public speaker on issues surrounding positive mental health and recovering from trauma; women’s healing circle host as well as co-founder of slow-fashion edit Aruba Red Treasured.
So proud of you xxx
I can relate to everything you have said. You are such an inspiration.
You may be interested in our Red Tent women’s circle held every full moon in the Sudbury area.