I couldn’t do it. I found it so hard to talk to my teenage daughter about sex that when I was approached to participate in a reality TV show called ‘Mums Make Porn’ I said yes in the hope that it might jolt me into being open. It worked, but I wish I’d been able to begin that conversation so much earlier. My daughter was 18 by the time I could bring myself to talk to her about sex. Since the show aired last year, I’ve been approached by numerous mothers who tell me that they struggle with the same problem.
Adrienne Rich, one of the inventors of feminist mothering, wrote in her book, ‘Of Woman Born’, how children learn about love and tenderness from their mothers. It occurred to me, the deeper on this journey I went that I hadn’t fulfilled this part of my mother responsibility to my fullest. l had failed to recognise that love and tenderness in some ways, begins with being able to talk about sex.
When my daughter was young she would ask me the question, ‘where did I come from?’ My answer was always the same, ‘from Tesco!’ Being raised in the Asian community, I was always too embarrassed to talk about sex. Sex is a taboo in Asian community and remains suppressed and silenced. It’s tied up with the patriarchal fear that teaching children and especially girls about sex will turn them into being sexually permissive adults.
While I didn’t believe this in the slightest, I had subconsciously absorbed the call to remain silent. It took being exposed to vile porn whilst filming ‘Mums make Porn’ to jolt me into reality. It made me realise the dangers for children today learning about sex through watching this too easily accessible pornographic content. Through online and digital platforms on phones and tablets, children are only ever two clicks away from hardcore porn. Learning about sex in this way is unhealthy and problematic on a number of levels.
Consent and intimacy, two fundamental pillars for healthy sex and relationships are missing from porn. More importantly, porn does not teach children how to have healthy and respectful relationships. Respecting one’s own body with boundaries is part of a healthy and respectful relationship. Telling children about inappropriate touching and empowering them to recognise the signs of unwanted touching contributes to a proper understanding of their bodily rights and the power of their voices.
“Sex is a taboo in Asian community and remains suppressed and silenced. It’s tied up with the patriarchal fear that teaching children, and especially girls about sex will turn them into being sexually permissive adults.While I didn’t believe this in the slightest, I had subconsciously absorbed the call to remain silent.“
Therefore, conversations about sex need to begin early, with us at home. Most people are under the impression that talking about sex to their children is a one-off conversation. It isn’t. It’s a prolonged conversation which evolves as your child gets older and needs to be adapted to their age, understanding, and needs.
Talking about sex is an important part of a warm and loving relationship between mother and child. Having these conversations within the trust and safety of the home helps the child become confident about their knowledge and asking questions.
So many of us struggle to have these conversations because we never had an example from our own parents growing up. They trigger our own shame, maybe things about ourselves or our past that we don’t want our children to know. Or because we are afraid of them getting hurt. Our silence, however, doesn’t protect them, it puts them at more risk. There are some great books for children of different ages that explain the biology of sex in clear speech. Do use a book as a starting off point if it will make you feel more at ease.
You may have grown up, like me, in a household where you were taught your body, your desires, and sex were ‘naughty’, ‘dirty’ ‘shameful’ or ‘sinful’, something forbidden that could get you into trouble.
These feelings stay with us unless we do the work to unpack them, to forgive ourselves and our parents. More importantly, let’s explore how we can break the cycle of shame and stigma for our children. How you approach this conversation will help your children frame their thoughts, ideas and feelings about sex. Don’t leave this to anyone else. Start these conversations with your children and keep them going as you both learn and grow.
Jane Chelliah is a mother, a midlife blogger, vlogger and podcaster. She was the Asian mum who starred in the Channel 4 series, ‘Mums Make Porn’. Jane recently started writing a novel in lockdown and has been signed up by a literary agent. You can follow Jane’s Ambitious Mamas blog and she’s also on twitter and Instagram.